Patti Planet - Welcome To My World

 Sunday was the Centralia Orchestra's first outdoor performance.  They gathered at the gazebo on the town square for their first performance of the year.  This is the first time they have performed outside.  I think they really enjoyed it.  I know Drea had a good time.  She really likes to play the violin - but with few challenges it is quickly becoming boring to her.  I'm hoping that she will find something that will spark her enthusiasm in it again because she is really good.

Life moves fast... too fast sometimes.  I posted in May about Jacque's graduation and the changes coming our way.  Little did I know that there were some very BIG changes coming in just a very short time.

 

Graduation brought on dreams of college and a full life to come -- stopped short by one very ill thought out choice.  The summer began with many frustrations for Jacque... she was not able to pay for college.  She could not get a loan for a car.  She could not find a way to support the dreams she had planned.  Chris started college with the anticipation of being in all the great choirs the school offers... he didn't make either one that he auditioned for.  Though they both saw these as some drawbacks and disappointments in their lives, they have turned out to be God working to make their lives better since He knew they would be making a choice that would change the course of their lives forever.

 

Jacque will make me a grandparent next spring.  She has moved in with Chris's mother because it's closer to where she works.  Chris is attending college - and coming home every weekend.  They are making plans for marriage and finding out what it's like to live in the real world where someone else no longer makes your decisions for you but you have to work together to make them for yourselves.

 

Ah.... to be young again.  Nope.  Wouldn't go back for anything.   I don't miss the anxiety of having to grow up all at once.  I don't miss the stress of not knowing how I'm going to pay bills or feed my young children.  I don't miss the aggrevation of learning to deal with people that I would otherwise not choos to spend time with.  And I especially don't miss the heartache of knowing that I am going to give up all my dreams for a new one.  Not that I wouldn't give it all up for a family again, but living with the constant wonder of "what if" sometimes leaves you feeling empty.  My prayer is that they will be able to stay strong in their faith and that together with God's guidance, they will not have to experience the "what if" but will rather be able to fill their lives with so much happiness and small joys that they will not miss the dreams they have given up in return for the one they have chosen.

 

 

It is with a bittersweet heart that I watched my daughter walk down the aisle for her High School Graduation.  Her brother and boyfriend sat proudly with me as they watched her achieve her much longed for goal.  Our friend David came from Ohio to see her big moment.  I think the day was hardest for her sister.  They are so close and have been through so much together... always being there for each other when the road was the darkest.  The realizatoin that this chapter has come to an end is met with the mixed emotions of pride, excitement, and sadness.   

 

She has come so far in the past few years.  It amazes me sometimes.  Had anyone told me 4 years ago my daughter -- the one I had picked up at the police station, the one whom I fought so hard to save from herself -- would one day speak at her Senior Baccalaureate service, I would have thought they were on crack.  It has been a long haul but a very enriching and exciting journey for her. 

 

I watched with great pride as she sang with the Senior class and helped conduct the church serivce.  I watched with greater pride as she delivered a message of hope and promise to her fellow classmates.  Then last week, I watched as she boldly walked (or stumbled in shoes too big for her) across the football field to recieve her diploma.  Her indivduality and pension for breaking rules prevailed.  As the seniors were told that they were not to deface thier caps -- she boldy painted Jer 29:11 on the top of hers.  She was promply handed a piece of paper and told she had to tape it over the cap since she painted hers. 

 

So she walked down the aisle white cap and gown looking every bit the grown up she has become.  The ceremony was short - only 45 minutes.  As she stood in line to walk across the stage, she quickly tore the paper off her cap, wadded it up and stuffed it inside her bra before walking across the stage to the congratulations of her teachers and faculty... and as she filed back to her seat all the world could see the flaunting of her cap as she figurativly thumbed her nose at the authority that she was no longer under.

 

Ah... the bliss of being young and knowing that you rule the world.  One day her beligerence will come back to haunt her -- I just pary it doesn't harm her in the process!

 

 

Recent thoughts about recent events.  Gerald is back in jail.

Jacque has forgiven him for all his bad choices but she is still not ready to face him just yet with the hurt he has put her through.  Frankly, I’m not sure he is stable enough to deal with it.  Drea is still very angry – she wants what every teenage girl wants, a father who is a good dad and can be there for her.  Gerald makes too many bad choices and she cannot get past the fact that he will never be what she wants him to be.  Once she passes that phase and accepts him for who he is – even if it’s not what she wants him to be, then they will again have some kind of relationship – though I’m certain it will NEVER be what Gerald wants it to be.  She just doesn’t think of him as a dad anymore.  He only paid sporadic child support, he only came to see them when his girlfriend would foot the bill, he used vacation time to spend with his girlfriends instead of seeing his kids, he spent time with his female friends when his kids were visiting instead of spending one on one time with them…. Just a lot of bad choices that when grouped together leaves her feeling that even though he loves them, they are not a priority, so for in her eyes, he is no longer a priority to her.   They will never have that relationship they used to have –She is friends with lots of “types” of people, but she doesn’t give her time and energy to those who don’t meet her expectations... she is a person with high standards and he not only falls short but doesn’t even come close to the line. 

I spoke with his parole officer last week.  She asked me some questions that I had to answer honestly.  Gerald was not only to have no contact with anyone under the age of 18 – including his girls – but he was not to have a 3^rd party contact…. Meaning he could not ask me how they are doing or have his mother contact them and then tell him how they are doing.  He called Patrick in December – repeatedly – to ask what the girls wanted for Christmas.  I finally called him in January under the impression that he could talk to Jacque once she is 18 so, I begged him not to do that – that she might not be ready to talk to him yet and he needs to wait until she is ready to talk to him before initiating that contact.  What I did not know, was that his PO told him in February that he was absolutely under no circumstances to contact Jacque just because she turns 18.   She wanted to make sure that she had an opportunity to contact me and Jacque first to see if it was ok for him to contact her – wanted to make sure that she was emotionally stable enough to handle the stress of talking to him with everything that they’ve had to process about his current troubles… on top of what they have spent the last 2 years trying to process and deal with.  Bottom line: Gerald not only texted Jacque on her birthday which initiated contact, but he lied to his group therapist and his PO about it.  When confronted by his PO he broke down and told her the truth – that Jacque did not contact him first, he contacted her first.  Thus, the violation of parole that has landed him back in jail.

At this point, it’s not about talking to his daughter, it’s about his blatant disregard for any and all boundaries set for him.  He’s like a child with a cookie jar who simply can’t understand that no means no… none at all… not even crumbs on the table next to the jar.  They want him to learn that he does not make the rules in life, sometimes others set the rules and he has to follow them.  They want him to learn to put others’ feelings and well being before his own – not something he has EVER done… the biggest ongoing argument we have had since I met him 20 years ago.  He is back in jail because he does what he wants when he wants and is convinced that he won’t get caught doing it… and if he does he can sweet-talk his way out of it.   For the first time in his life, he has found himself in a place where his smooth personality and quick wit won’t influence the outcome of his circumstances.  For the first time in 43 years he can’t run from his problems, he can’t hide the truth from himself, he can’t pretend to be someone he’s not until the heat is off.  I have spent years watching him dig this hole and have tried with everything that I have to reason with him so that he could stop the downward spiral into the pit he now finds himself in.  Not just the stuff he’s going through with court and jail but the completely shredded relationships with his kids.  He has created this vast void that might one day be bridged but will never be stable ground again.  Patrick is completely indifferent to him.  Jacque told me the other day that the one time she talked to him in April it was like talking to a stranger.  Drea wants nothing to do with him at all.  This is the monster that he created himself – and now has no control over.  They say that time will heal all wounds – and I’m sure it does – but that doesn’t mean that it fixes it.  My kids are stable, well-balanced kids, they will be fine.  I’m not sure their father will ever be able to say the same.